My hamper floweth over

The Keith Family News

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Somebody DOOCE me. PLEASE!!!

So I was recently reading on Dooce how her husband quit his job, and she is now the sole bread winner in the family. From what I can gather, she is now supporting her family by blogging alone. Seriously? Writing sarcastic snippets from home and paying the bills? Sign me up!

So now that I no longer fear being "dooced", a phrase she coined meaning being fired for writing rude things about your co-workers on your blog, and would actually welcome it, here goes nothing----

Hey, co-worker, babies do not "catch colic" from being outside on a beautiful, sunny, breezy day! In addition, grass is not a bad thing for babies to touch, or sit in, it will not make them "itchy" and is not "dirty". As a matter of fact, the brief daily outings out of our fluorescent lit baby jail into the sunlit outdoors is one of the things that helps keep me and the drunken midgets sane!

No, I do not wish to add strawberry syrup to my sons cereal, even if it "helps they eat they food". I also don't wish to feed my son tutti-fruiti dessert, or add sugar to his cereal bottle.

Hey, co-worker, I'm sorry that you "ain't fittin to spoil no baby", but holding and comforting a 3 month old infant on his 2nd day in child care who, by the way, is breastfed and does not like to take a bottle is not called "spoiling" it is called "caring for".

And speaking of "fittin to", I don't need to hear how you are "fittin to use it" every time you need to use the restroom. I don't want to know about your affairs , how you get drunk at 3:00 in the afternoon while caring for your 5 kids after school, about any drugs you may have done, how hard it is to get rid of ringworm, or any other of the WAY TO MUCH INFORMATION information that you enjoy passing on to me AT ALL!!

Well, that's all for now, if either of you who read my Blog would like to pass this along to sponsors, I am anxiously awaiting my retiement!!
Keithclan, 1:01 AM | link | 1 comments |

Friday, September 23, 2005

One of these things is not like the other...
Keithclan, 8:52 PM | link | 7 comments |

Monday, September 12, 2005


So I am up really late and foolishly blogging, forgetting that I am not ranting into thin air, but airing my opinions for whoever wants to read them, but who cares what the 2 of you think. (get, it because no one reads my blog.)
Our friendly DHS caseworker came up today for her "Oh, your day wasn't bad enough, let me make it worse" visit. DHS comes to check on all childcare facilities because of all of the crappy childcare facilities that forget the word "care" is in their title. And because of all of these baby zoos that throw the kids semi-edible chow once a day or so and provide not a lot more, children in good facilities suffer because they make stupid rules thinking that if all daycares follow these stupid rules that care across the board will be better.
Today I got in trouble because she saw me bringing laundry from the next room into our room which left my room "over", the cardinal sin of childcares. Yes, there were 5 children to 1teacher instead of 4, (as if 4 infants to one adult is a great thing). Why, you ask? Because we are sorting out a new laundry policy in which someone is supposed to do all the laundry in the morning. It didn't get done, and all our swaddling blankets were in the dryer. So I left 3 sleeping children and 2 wakeful children (wakeful here meaning screaming inconsolablly) to go get blankets in hope of calming down our new "breastfed and I will NOT take a bottle" 3 month old. That was wrong> Although all of the other classes were outside at the time, I should have waited until they came back in 30 minutes later and asked a spare teacher to cover me, while said baby screams nonstop.

I also was reminded that another daycare sin is allowing a baby to sleep in a swing. Yes, when the inconsolable baby miraculous falls asleep in the swing, you are to pick them up and move them to a crib, so they can commence wailing again. It is much better to have a child not nap and be miserable all day (which by the way also robs non-fussy babies of attention) then have them rest peacefully in a contraption I only WISH they made for adults to sleep in.

I guess the real question you all are asking is. "tell us again, Jamie, why you work with children while you have 5 of your own? have you sustained to much brain damage from repeatedly hitting your head in THE EXACT SAME SPOT forgetting to duck when you come out of your kids' closet, or were you born retarded?"

Anyway, just thought I give a shout out to crappy daycare workers everywhere for making my job that much harder! Thanks!
Keithclan, 5:45 PM | link | 3 comments |

FROG ON A LOG an original haiku by Jordan Keith

I see the green frog
He looks at me so dearly
I think he knows me
Keithclan, 5:41 PM | link | 2 comments |

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Life According to Dora

So I was talking to some friends about how childrens' programming has, over the past few years, become my morning clock.

The girls have to be at school between 7:40-7:50 in order for Chad to be reasonabally on time for work. Or in other words,
Girls, Calliou is over, are you dressed yet ? Barney is starting, you better be done with breakfast! I hear Sesame Street!! You're late!!!

I have to be at work by 9:00, which can be done on PBS time,
Journey to Ernie is on, Pierce, are you dressed??? What do you mean you have to poop, Lillian, Elmo's world is coming on, we don't have time!!! Find your lunchboxes, he's singing the annoying repetitive end song!!!! Oh crap, Teletubbies!!! We're late!!!

Or, Nick Jr. Time:
Dora is singing "we did it", are you done with breakfast? Oh, God I'm not dressed yet and I hear Joe singing how he wants to play Blue's Clues.... Hurry up!! they found the 3rd clue!!! Oh crap!!! He's in thinking Chair!!! Higglytown Heroes!!!!! We're Late!!!!
Keithclan, 5:34 PM | link | 1 comments |

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


I wanted to post a video of Max's dinner time, me trying everything to get him to swallow the food instead of allowing it to ooze slowly out of his mouth, Max eventually crying, looking at me like "why do you insist on torturing me, you evil woman?" With the background music of Cold Play singing "Nobody said it was easy... No one ever said it would be this hard..." But he said it would be to complicated, so hope the expression (and mess) on his face gives you the gist of it...
Keithclan, 11:22 PM | link | 3 comments |